Rule #4: Three thousand word minimum - Part 2

If a picture tells a thousand words, then

     like many of  my essays in university,

there’s a three thousand word minimum

Three pictures

Three glances

Three impressions

Three opportunities to get an idea of what they look like.

And this is where I get myself in trouble…

(if I haven’t already)

First

a disclaimer,

I’m not saying one body type is better

More attractive

than another

I do firmly and honestly believe

that people of all shapes and sizes

can be

and are

beautiful.

But with that being said,

we all have our preferences. 

Some prefer girls with curves,

others prefer skinnier girls. 

Some prefer muscle bound men

Others prefer skinny men in skinny jeans with thick glasses and a beard

This doesn’t make one better than another

Does admitting this make one shallow?

or

is it just being

Honest

The truth is

No matter what people claim

No matter what people say

Looks are important

Attraction is important

It’s why guys get in trouble for glancing at pretty women

It’s why girls 90% of the time won’t date guys shorter than them

It’s why you so many people are in the ‘friend zone’

The number one reason I haven’t dated any of my close male friends

Is because I’m straight

And so I don’t find them attractive

That doesn’t mean they aren’t

For me, the same can be said of girls

There are things I find attractive

And things I don’t

A relationship without any physical attraction

Without any sexual chemistry

Is called friendship

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Only caring about looks is shallow

Thinking someone is worth less

Not worth your time

worthless

Simply because you don’t find them attractive

Is disgusting

But admitting that a healthy relationship

Is a healthy mix of attraction

Physical

Emotional

Spiritual

To their personality

And to much much more

Is an honest and beautiful thing

Now if I expect the girl

to be stick thin

with huge breasts

then I’d have a problem

just like a someone who only wants guys

 6’3 or taller

with rock hard abs

and able to do one-handed push ups

there are preferences

and then there are unrealistic expectations

I think (hope) you get my point.

So when looking to find someone to date

To fall in love with

I don’t think its wrong wanting to know what they look like beforehand

Not to mention

if they’re trying to trick you about what they look like

There are other

Deeper issues

Confidence is beautiful

So with no further ado,

The types of pictures you should look for

1-A picture taken head on

There’s been plenty written about the dreaded ‘Myspace angle’.

You know the one I’m talking about,

Often taken alone in your bedroom

camera held up high to the right or the left

If you don’t know it

Just google ‘Myspace angle’

And there will be a plethora of pages to educate you

There is something mysterious and mystical about this angle

It has the power to turn anyone into a supermodel. 

Through the miracle of lighting and angles

a simple self photo can trick you into thinking you have a date with Ryan Gosling

but you end up meeting Billy Bob Thorton

2-A real/candid photo

If all of their photos look

Professional

edited

or involve them only in a suit or a fancy outfit

Tread lightly

Sure they look great, but the odds of them looking that great all the time?

Unlikely

Unrealistic

Unattainable

We all have our days when we look nice

But that’s not the

day to day

reality

And in the end you want to find him or her beautiful

Day in

Day out

Both when they’re dressed to the nines

or when they’re just dressed

even in sweatpants

3-A body shot

No, I don’t mean them posing

On the beach

Barely dressed

Or a pinup picture

That’s better suited for a calendar

But a picture that’s from further back

that shows what they look like

from head to toe

Not everyone makes it that easy though

So you try to make due

Gathering clues and hints where you may

One of the biggest

Being the upper arm

There are skinnier people with rounder faces,

and curvier people with skinny faces

so it may be hard to tell exactly what they look like

unless you look at the upper arm

It’s rare that it lies

Except for some guys,

There are many guys who only work out their arms

Making it look like they’re buff and in shape

Meanwhile they only have bulging biceps

While a beer belly hides down below.

Remember

These are just guidelines

And I can’t be held responsible

for any surprises you may find

In the end even with all the above pictures

You still can be deceived.

Ultimately they are the one who chooses their photo’s

And since people are highly unlikely to choose bad ones

you can pretty much expect your date to not look quite as good as they do in the photo. 

But hopefully,

If you’re careful

When you’re out on a date

And the full moon rises

They won’t turn out to be something

Quite unexpected.

Rule #4:Three thousand word minimum Part 1

They say a picture tells a thousand words

and they’re right

But

No one said those words had to be true

The world of internet dating can end up being a lot like used car sales

People presenting themselves in ways that aren’t entirely honest

They can say whatever they want about themselves 

and until you get to know them it is impossible to tell if they are lying 

or not. 

Do they really have a PHD in the mating rituals of small woodland creatures? 

Are they involved in charities that help old ladies across the street?

Did they really give one of their kidney’s to their dying grandmother? 

It’s the risk you take when you meet someone new.

You’d think if you could trust anything

You’d be able to trust their pictures, right?

Well...

People have hundreds upon  hundreds of pictures of themselves

In different styles of dress

From different angles

Of different ages

Each showing a different side of who they are

even some sides are practically impossible to view them from.

We all want to present the best sides of ourselves

But there is a fine line between the best side

and a lie.

A friend of mine ran into this problem in what we came to call

‘The tale of the Shewolf’

He never gave me all the details but I imagine it went something like this...

Once upon a time,

There was a young man

And one day he came across a profile of a young lady

and he was in love. 

(Well not in love, come on, all he saw was a picture of her and a couple of lines of writing)

But he’s smitten and she soon comes to be known as

‘The love of his life’

And he’s right

She’s beautiful

A glimmering smile

Enchanting blue eyes

And raven locks cascading down her shoulders

The messages flew back and forth

Like the butterflies developing in his chest

Soon the day came when he was finally going to meet her

Now, bear in mind that I wasn’t given all of the specific details of the date –

but I imagine how this is how it went.

Strolling into Starbucks

His eyes  fervently trying to see if he can find her

Yet failing

It seems she hasn’t yet arrived

There’s a woman off in a corner that looks like she could be her older sister

like 15 years older

but no sign of her

and then she waves him over

slowly

nervously

he approaches

maybe there’s bad lighting?

Each step feeling ominous

Her face coming more and more into view

His wish for bad lighting growing with each stride

Wrinkles adorn her face

A thin layer of hair covers her cheeks

– almost like fur -

he half expects her to tell him that she lied

that she’s 35

not 25

that the picture is from 10 years ago

he wouldn’t be shocked

expect maybe that she's lying and is even older

Sipping his coffee he makes small talk

his eyes drifting to the window to the raising moon

Full and bright in the sky

Slowly inching upwards

His eyes glance back to her

My what long hair she has

My what sharp teeth she has

What?

Wait?

Were her teeth always that sharp?

Like in so many fairy tales

And horror stories

His love transforms

From a beauty

Into a something completely unexpected

It’s said that pictures

Like Shakira’s hips

don’t lie

but anyone who has gone on dates from a single picture

knows that is far from the truth

Apparently people don’t always put up pictures that are honest depictions of who they are 

instead putting up ones that make them look good

– even if they are half  truths

Bald men with a full head of hair

Pictures from before they started the super size me diet

Guys next to short people to make them look taller

That is why

After this encounter we instituted a rule

Rule #4:Three thousand word minimum

To be continued...

Rule # 3:There is always hope

I get it,

you’re still hesitant to try internet dating

I don’t blame you

then again

the last two stories probably have done little to encourage you.

You’re right,

there are a lot of weird people out there

odds are you’ll end up on a date with at least one of them

Sure you’ll get funny/awkward stories for your friends to laugh at

but is it worth it?

Can you really meet a quality person?

Can you really find love?

Apparently I can’t,

but maybe you can?

This brings us to rule #3 – There is always hope.

Despite my plethora of awkward dates

And slightly embarrassing stories

I still hold firm to the belief that internet dating can lead to something spectacular

even if it leads to numerous misadventures along the way.

So why do I hold on to hope despite numerous experiences to the contrary?

Am I just a glutton for punishment?

Is there some glimmer of hope?

I sure hope so.

I don’t think I’m way off base because I’ve seen it happen

Somehow

two souls adrift on the internet highway

meeting

falling in love

By this September three of my friends

(two of which I met through dating websites)

will have met

fallen in love

married someone they met online.

Sure

they had their awkward experiences

-some of which I’m sure I’ll tell you all about later–

but they persevered and found what they were looking for.

And they’ll tell you it was worth it

-the stilted statements, the awkward approaches and confusing conversations –

they’d do it all again just to find that wonderful person to fall in love with

Not all my experiences have been bad either

Sure, I haven’t fallen in love

haven’t found someone I want to marry

but I have found people just as valuable.

Like Actress

At one point in my illustrious internet dating career I was talking to these three girls at once.

Basketball, Dancer and Actress.

Sorry, some nicknames were more original than others…

My experiences with the three of them couldn’t have been more different. 

One of them quickly blew up and led to one of my awkward stories you’ll end up hearing

One petered off and I never even ended up meeting her

And then there was Actress

She has the honour of being one of the most beautiful (and amazing) women that ever initiated contact with me. 

A couple years ago now

I got an email saying I got a message

I expected the usual. 

Someone who was nothing what I was looking for

who didn’t read my profile,

and sent a one sentence email.

I was wrong.

Checking the site I was shocked to discover a detailed message

from this stunning young woman.

Friendly

Passionate

Energetic

Loves Jesus

Beautiful

Her only downside –

she lives in Toronto

– really, have you tried to drive to Toronto during rush hour? 

It’s not fun

Despite the distance I replied and we quickly took to messaging each other before arranging to meet for sushi.

Trekking into Toronto I get there early

Awaiting her arrival. 

Watching her approach in her cute sun dress I couldn’t help but smile

though as she got closer I realized how much taller I was than her….even in heels

(Clarification: she was the one in heels)

The night went great with both of us competing to see who could talk more.

I think she ended up winning

I left intrigued,

in awe,

and encouraged.

And looked forward to see where this could lead.

We ended up going on a couple of more wonderful dates

where we shared our love of musicals, sushi and Jim Gaffigan

but in time the butterflies flew away

and what remained was deep and beautiful friendship.

To this day I’m glad she messaged me

Glad we went out

Glad to call her my friend.

She’s one of the most caring, fun and greatest friends a guy can ask for

even if she lives in Toronto.

So yes, there are some crazies out there,

Yes, you’ll have to wade through a lot of shit to find someone great

but there is hope.

There is always hope

You’ll have to learn to deal with rejection

As message

After message

After message

Gets ignored. 

I think I have .050 batting average

No that’s not a typo, .05, not .5

As one out of every twenty messages

And that’s being optimistic

But there is always hope

And girls,

you WILL get perverted and highly inappropriate messages.

From idiotic and ignorant guys who don’t understand you don’t treat people like that

You won’t be able to click delete fast enough.

But there are kind and caring gentlemen out there

There is always hope

And that is why you have me

You can learn from my mistakes

glean from them,

to better be able to discern between those that may be worth pursuing

and those that will leave you with nothing more than a story.

Over the next couple of posts I’m going to give advice on how to be able to tell the difference. 

See the warning signs so that maybe

just maybe

you’ll find love

instead of lunacy.

Rule #2: Not every deal in life is sealed with a handshake.

When I first saw her profile online my heart skipped a beat

She was cute. 

Beautiful smile.

Playful eyes.

Quirky attitude. 

As I perused her profile I became intrigued. 

Crossing my fingers I wrote (it is as difficult as it sounds) hoping that somehow my message would stand out and she’d reply.

And she did.

Of course…otherwise this would be a

very boring

very short

story 

Robin – aka United to my friends because of her Church background

You see my friends are too lazy to remember names

At least until it gets serious

Like after marriage

And kids

Who start high school

We chat back and forth about our love for Jesus, people

and ice cream…

In time we arrange a date at Cold Stone Creamery

One just opened inside a Tim Hortons -or so the website tells me. 

Apparently sometimes the internet lies

Who knew?

By Cold Stone creamery they mean a freezer with pints of Cold Stone ice cream.  

Thanks internet.

So after promising to not kidnap/kill/perform other nefarious deeds she gets in my car and we drive to Marble Slab Creamery instead. 

We have a great time laughing and getting to know each other 

Dropping her back at her car successfully unharmed

We hug goodbye and both agree to go out again.

We soon make plans for a second date…she had talked up her Wii skills a lot on the first date so we met for lunch to be followed by an epic wii battle.

Delightful desert

Captivating conversation

Flirtatious glances

And then we head back to my place for the challenge.

Matt vs. Robin

A series of three almost athletic events to find who, and who alone, would be crowned.

                                               

Wii Champion!

The gruelling competition starts with an intense boxing match.

Bobbing and weaving

punches thrown towards the screen.

Until at last she falls down with a thud…

Well just the video game version of her. 

I don’t normally try to knock my dates out

I swear.

Next up Bowling

Falling behind after a few faulty frames

I step up my game

Strike after strike

Until my attention is drawn away again by her cute smile

My game goes down the gutter.

One a piece we come to the final round of competition.

A friendly game of Tennis.

Smashes back and forth

Volley

Return

Volley

Return

A close match

Peppered with trash talk as we split sets bringing it down to the wire.

until with one final smash the ball flies past to close out the game

Leaving me

the champion. 

And I didn’t gloat one bit…

well maybe a little bit,

but she started it

Not only is she cute, fun, interesting

she’s good at video games and a good sport.

Maybe this could be headed somewhere.

A guy can hope.

Walking her to the door to say goodbye.

I began to lean in for a hug

Maybe a kiss on the cheek

The end to a perfect date

And that’s when it happened.

She stuck out her hand.

Shocked I stare at it

For what seems like an eternity

I’m sure a look of confusion crosses my face as I reach out mine

And shake

Thanking me for a fun afternoon

Calling me friend

She releases my hand

Without a linger

Without any sense of interest

Maybe I should have let her win?

I thought the deal was sealed

I thought I was in

A handshake must not always close the deal

In dating it must mean something else

And with that – her name changed –

-Handshake United-

A date with so much promise

Comes crashing to the ground

With a simple handshake

The weird thing is you’d think after ending a date with a handshake I’d never see her again. 

Well you’d be wrong.

A couple of days later she phoned me up

invited me over as friends to play wii

I think she wanted a rematch.

Turns out she wanted something else...

her roommate was there and it seemed like she was trying to hook me up with her.

I got two handshakes that night…

Rule # 1: Go with your gut

To survive a world as ruthless as that of internet dating you have to develop some rules to help you through.

Rule # 1:Go with your gut.

You know how in pretty much every horror movie ever made there is that point where someone goes off to investigate a noise.  We know it’s stupid, heck they know it’s stupid – but they go do it anyways.

Really who does that?

And once they see the first bad sign, shouldn’t they go running in the opposite direction?  How stupid can they be?

Well you can’t really say until you’re put in the situation…

Lisa,

I’d met her before.  We’d gone on a date, had a good time – laughs, engaging conversation, a bit of chemistry.  Nothing spectacular mind you – my heart didn’t skip a few beats, there wasn’t music playing as she approached – but it was fun, fun enough to garner a second date at least.

The thing is, Lisa was set on having a ‘group date’.  She’d bring some of her friends, I’d bring some of mine and we’d have a grand ol’ time….or something like that.  My first thought “wow this is stupid”, but heck, she was cute, and cute girl’s make boys do stupid things.

Like group dates.

I should have gone with my gut.

We figure out the details. Minigolf then dinner.  I’m pretty sure the place she suggested is closed down…and has been for awhile, but she’s sure (and cute) so why not.

The date’s set. 3:30 Saturday.

Getting there early I text my friends to get their ETA.  They’ll be a little late but take the toll road to make sure they don’t hold us up. Having time to kill I start to wander around, noticing that the door the minigolf place is blocked off.  Asking someone about it I soon find out it hasn’t been open for years.

Of course.

My phone rings.

It’s Lisa.

She’s going to be late. 

She’s still at the mall

45 minutes away.

Somehow her friends were informed that she was late yet here I am waiting like a fool.

My gut tells me to blow her off, to bail on the date.

I should have listened.

Did I mention she was cute?

And I hadn’t really had many dates lately?

Heading to the restaurant to kill time near there I can’t help but notice it looks closed also

Are those burn marks on the side of the building?

Apparently yes. 

How does a sushi place have a fire?

I really can’t take a hint can I?

The plans change

Yet again.

All this and the date hasn’t officially started

After killing an hour we arrive at the restaurant.

Before Lisa.

Big Surprise.

We stand there waiting and watch the Lakers game.  Off to the side there’s a guy yammering loudly about the game.  The thing is, it’s not just that he’s loud and obnoxious, he’s wrong too – stating things the most casual fan would know is wrong.  His ridiculous rants loud enough for everyone around to hear.

Each opening of the door and opportunity to escape from this agony

We can’t help but talk about the spectacle in front of us as I finally see Lisa enter.

Instantly I have a sense of relief.

Because she actually showed up

Because I get to eat

Because I get to get away from this guy.

Coming over to me she introduces me to her friends – Jason and Mary – the babbling buffoon and his friend – of course.

This is going to be a long evening.

I should have listened to my gut. 

I’ve always been taught to try and make the best out of a bad situation so decide to try…besides, I think they’d notice if we all got up to go the bathroom at the same time.

Trying to be friendly we create conversation, attempting to engage but finding ourselves pushing against a wall.  Each question answered abruptly – single syllable sentences – before turning back to each other.

I’m trying to talk to Lisa, it is a date after all even if a lame group one. My attempts similarly rebuffed. Despite the fact that she’s sitting beside me, I barely see her face mostly observing the back of her head as she talks to her friends.

The back of her head is not nearly as cute as the rest of her.

Should have gone with my gut.

There is a point in every date when it’s over.  Often this comes at the end of the date when you walk her to the door, say you had a good time and hope to see her again.

In this case, this is when the date ended.  Maybe not literally, but in my mind it did.

And so I do what any rational person would do in this situation.

I pull out my phone and start texting.

My friend sitting directly across from me.

About how ridiculous this date is.

Finishing our meals we’re about to cut and run when Jason invites us back to his place to watch hockey.

He has lawn chairs we can sit on…

And we can help him unpack since he just moved.

What the *%$#!?!

Really???

Help you unpack?

Well we didn’t say that, but I swear it’s what we all thought.

Politely passing it off we prepare to leave.  Lisa and her friends going to one side of the parking lot- us to the other.  Rounding the corner we all break out laughing simultaneously no longer being able to contain ourselves and the awkwardness of the whole evening.

All agreeing,

At least we have a story.

I should have gone with my gut.